Just be.

11.24.2014

That's all I can manage right now.  It's been a long time...months...since I've blogged and let's be honest.  I go back and forth about keeping it up, deleting it, starting over.  In fact, I even considered starting over and then I started the process and HOLY MOLY is that a lot of work!  So for now, I may just keep this up.  I need to change things up a bit though and I still don't know that I love it, but for now ELF: A Family Blog has become Endless Little Faces.  Still at the same domain...even better.  Now, if you can come up with something awesome (as a blog name) that starts with an E and an L and an F...LET ME KNOW!  I'm all ears.

Now, for an update.  I go back forth about pouring my heart and being honest on here.  While E and I were going to divorce I don't ever want to slander him or make him seem like a terrible person because he's not.  We all have our demons though and for me to heal and get back to blogging, I think I need to be honest.

Divorce hurts.

It sucks.

It can suck the life and the happiness out of you.

So where are we?  In limbo.  He signed the papers without much of a fight (one discussion over the decree and he went off and got them notarized).  That was a punch to the gut.  Ugh.

Then a week later he asked if I still had the papers.  I did as I hadn't gotten back into the lawyer's office to drop them off.  He asked if I'd hold off for a bit, so I did.  Why?  Because I still had hope, I wanted more than anything for things to work out, but (and you knew there was a but coming didn't you?) after he moved back to town (not in with me...too weird at this point) I tried to put myself back out there, but I was scared, I was nervous, and I had lost all trust in him.

Yet I began to slowly open my heart to him again and that was shattered all over again when I discovered lies and deceit.  The lies were on-going, the deceit was situational, but still...it shattered any trust I had built up again and closed off my heart even further.

Then?

We did what we do best.  We ignored the problems, the elephant in the room.  We lived with the status quo and made arrangements to see kids and acted cool around each other.  It's what we're good at.  And after A LOT of soul searching I realized I couldn't keep doing this dance.  If...if...we ever have a chance at getting back together someday I'm going to need it to be a fresh start.  I'm going to need the finalization of this chapter in order to close the book and forgive all of the sins we'd committed.  I can't imagine trying to repair things after how screwed up they have gotten.  I would need a clean slate.  I could forgive the things that have been done if we can close this chapter and allow ourselves to become better...apart...to live, to learn, to get healthy, to love ourselves.....so that we can be awesome together again.

So I told him this.  And his world shattered.  He didn't see it.  He didn't believe it.  And I think he'd been in denial about how crappy things had been.  The ironic part is that everything he felt and experienced, I went through last spring when he dropped the bomb on me.  I never wanted him to go through that and I struggle so much in staying strong in my decision because I hate to see him hurting.  I want to fix him, I want to fix everything, but I've learned that I can't make him do things he doesn't want to do.  I also have a tremendous amount of guilt...guilt over an ending marriage, guilt over possibly hurting my children (let's be honest, divorce will hurt, but I hope that it will never be detrimental to them), and guilt that I let myself become an enabler.  When did that happen?!?

Anyway, to make a very long story short, I recently signed the papers...now?  I just need to find the strength to turn them in.  This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  My heart breaks over and over again every time I think about it and where we've ended up.  And honestly, in my heart of hearts I hope and pray that in time things will work themselves out and we'll end up together again.  But for now, I need to do what's best for me and what's best for the kids.

Wish me luck.  And pray for strength...for all of us.

3 comments

  1. You are so brave and strong for writing this. And you are brave and strong for knowing what you need to do. I know it must be hard but it sounds like a really healthy decision for you. Let that butterfly go and if it's meant to belong to you it will come back <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh Libby! You are making a strong, amazing and well-thought out decision. I will pray, you all will be better through this. <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sending hugs and prayers that in the end you will do what is best for YOU!

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for the comment love!